who wants to marry a fat girl?

or, the new tv show, more to love. i had it on in the background as i was balancing my checkbook with my statement. so i heard some things but had my back to the television and it was all mixed in with a swirl of numbers and calculations anyway. but i did sit down to watch the last 15 mins, the elimination. it was super depressing.

some women just shifted uncomfortably, some you could see panic on the verge of madness rising in their eyes. some were obviously going to burst into tears. i don’t watch a ton of television, and i’m not familiar with nearly any of the dating reality shows, the last one i followed was flava of love season one. and that was a lot of comedy and over the top ridiculousness. i guess there are some serious ones out there and this appears to be one of them.

i reiterate that i wasn’t carefully watching this, but some of the statements women made got me really sad and disturbed. a couple of them said in all honesty that they felt that this show, a reality dating show, was their last chance at happiness. many of them said they already had strong feelings for this guy that was looking for a wife among the 20 participants. and the ones that weren’t chosen were crushed, most cried.

i understand this is entertainment, but the uncomfortable feelings were real. these women are basically systematically devalued for their size, and who knows what the internal issues are that have brought them to this size, but to have this beacon in the dark, this chubby chaser, means the world to them, it’s a totally new concept to have the chance to have a man who will see them for who they are. and they cling to it like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. it is so sad to me. because now that they’ve found this hope, they’re going to have to figure out whether they really know what’s underneathe to be loved.

weight is a shield. having lost quite a bit of weight myself, twice, i can say that when you get out from under it you feel like you can finally be yourself. but who is that self? it’s not immediately clear. self is what you think about yourself, how you feel, how you interact with other people, with the world. and self requires quite a bit of intimacy to be defined. i don’t really trust that many people are very intimate with themselves, and they jump into being [physically or emotionally] close with other people, but it’s not the same. i think you can be with someone and be close to them and never be honestly intimate. i know i have a hard time with that.

i’m thinking a lot about intimacy today. i hope i have the courage to sit with it.

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