the thing about created instability is that it starts to make me feel crazy.
the more i think about it, the more i know that i do it because i work intuitively. i trust my subconscious to work problems out – in sleep, during waking hours – with a spontaneous epiphany solution that i know is right. however, i think i try to rush myself to work things out, and that’s where the pictures come off the wall and the shoes and books are piled on the table for going on a month.
i sometimes think it would be funny to be secretly recorded cleaning and moving around my house. i have a really random and distractible way i go about doing it. things will eventually get done, but i’m all over the place. and then sometimes i lose steam before everything is back in order. so i leave it and go somewhere else.
but i absolutely love and adore my place when it’s clean and uncluttered and the sun is shining in! i’m craving to get back there.
Grama reminisced a few years ago, “there was a professor who said to me once, ‘Naomi. you are a great starter but a terrible finisher.'” i can relate. but with life experience, especially in finally finishing undergrad and getting through grad school, i know that i can finish. it will get done, but if i’m not careful, without any structure, i will go on and on and on in process for weeks. i had another epiphany yesterday about 2 pieces of furniture (my aunt’s sewing machine and grama’s desk) that i’m hoping will get put into place today. i will make my space beautiful and functional again, with good energy, and it will make sense! (soon? please?)
but seriously, i know it will get done. however, why do i get the sneaking suspicion that i’m doing a little bit of this ..?
garbage house, garbage life is somewhat of a mantra for me. an in-flux decorating style doesn’t necessarily make for garbage, but it makes for a good distraction from the other things i want to do. when my mental energy isn’t sucked in to solving this feng shui puzzle, i’ll have time for the things i meant to prioritize – creating a social life. i spend entirely too much time alone. i’m getting steadily better and i don’t turn down social interaction to stay home and compulsively watch tv anymore 🙂 but i’d like to be proactive about doing social things, meeting new people, and dating. it’s time. spring is finally here, my life force is returning, being at home figuring out this mess is not as compelling an activity as it used to be. when my home is organized, clean, and beautiful… my mental energy can go to other things. creative projects, reading, socializing, having people over.
comments on part 1 had me thinking about the relationship between a stable home environment and relationships. moving a lot as a kid, uprooting, knowing that we can and will probably get up and go within a year – it all leads to this tendency not to settle in. that goes for both places and people. that’s a lot to think about. i have long term friendships, but i have not had many long term romantic relationships, and i have reflected a lot lately about how that might feel. i’m realizing a lot that the reasons i have ended relationships has been an unwillingness to settle in. i don’t want to sit around with you and get dinner and watch tv and that’s life – gross! i wanna be excited and run and play and inspire you and be inspired by you. this is boring! and i run.
i’m not sure why i think i lead such an exciting life as a single girl that i’m unwilling to give up. maybe i used to. but as i’m settling into this time in my life, it’s finally sinking in that what i want to find in a partner is a companion i am completely at ease with. i guess this abstract fantasy about an exciting on-the-go life with this fascinating man is giving way to the acceptance of the reality of my life. exciting things happen in the day to day experience of getting dinner and watching tv and living life. now that i understand and accept my past experiences for what they were (another blog), i am accepting myself, my preferences, and my life. and i feel ready to find someone to share the mundane stuff with. both in romance and in friendships.
time to get stable where i am today. so i can move forward from stagnating in this energy and move into new possibilities! my mind will always have this electricity and drive around what happens next, i welcome the flux as i learn flexibility. but in order to really see where that energy can go, i need a clean, organized, comfortable environment where books are on the shelf and shoes are on a rack… where there’s table space to work on my scrapbook and photo albums when inspiration strikes… where i can invite someone over to a home that feels comfortable and welcoming. that kind of stability will allow for way better creativity, wider social life, and impulsive fun! it’s time.