who wants to marry a fat girl?

or, the new tv show, more to love. i had it on in the background as i was balancing my checkbook with my statement. so i heard some things but had my back to the television and it was all mixed in with a swirl of numbers and calculations anyway. but i did sit down to watch the last 15 mins, the elimination. it was super depressing.

some women just shifted uncomfortably, some you could see panic on the verge of madness rising in their eyes. some were obviously going to burst into tears. i don’t watch a ton of television, and i’m not familiar with nearly any of the dating reality shows, the last one i followed was flava of love season one. and that was a lot of comedy and over the top ridiculousness. i guess there are some serious ones out there and this appears to be one of them.

i reiterate that i wasn’t carefully watching this, but some of the statements women made got me really sad and disturbed. a couple of them said in all honesty that they felt that this show, a reality dating show, was their last chance at happiness. many of them said they already had strong feelings for this guy that was looking for a wife among the 20 participants. and the ones that weren’t chosen were crushed, most cried.

i understand this is entertainment, but the uncomfortable feelings were real. these women are basically systematically devalued for their size, and who knows what the internal issues are that have brought them to this size, but to have this beacon in the dark, this chubby chaser, means the world to them, it’s a totally new concept to have the chance to have a man who will see them for who they are. and they cling to it like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. it is so sad to me. because now that they’ve found this hope, they’re going to have to figure out whether they really know what’s underneathe to be loved.

weight is a shield. having lost quite a bit of weight myself, twice, i can say that when you get out from under it you feel like you can finally be yourself. but who is that self? it’s not immediately clear. self is what you think about yourself, how you feel, how you interact with other people, with the world. and self requires quite a bit of intimacy to be defined. i don’t really trust that many people are very intimate with themselves, and they jump into being [physically or emotionally] close with other people, but it’s not the same. i think you can be with someone and be close to them and never be honestly intimate. i know i have a hard time with that.

i’m thinking a lot about intimacy today. i hope i have the courage to sit with it.


realization – nothing new

my mother will never be the one i’ve been dreaming of, hoping for. she is what she is and i need to appreciate what is relevant to me (because it is wonderful and special and unique) and let go of the rest. all of it. now.

things i did on my birthday

woke up and straigtened up to the sounds of stevie wonder

hooped to reckoner but gave up before the end because i wasn’t as into it as i wanted to be

danced to my favorite mj song

cooked myself a delicious and healthy breakfast

biked to work but listened to my ipod for the first time while riding now that i’ve returned to riding. i used to listen to music while biking all the time. mgmt was a fantastic return to that freedom, and i shaved 10 mins off my ride with the music and the tuned up bike!

had a good attitude at work for the first time in a long time. even flirted with some sweet elderly things over the phone 🙂

ate a delicious and healthy homemade soup for lunch – curry soup with sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts, topped with fresh basil… mmmm…

biked home through my fatigue and felt good about it

took a relaxing bath

put on my party dress after a rushed attempt at getting ready for dinner. hated it and changed my mind and that’s ok. sometimes comfort and utility prevails!

had a very nice dinner with fantastic service with some beautiful ladies

went skating. arrived during jt’s spiritual experience with r kelly, followed by the birthday song that was dedicated to me: mj “u rock my world.” they tried to request my jam, “butterflies.” unfortunately we were too late and it had already played. consolation prizes worked for me. i skated the whole time and it was glorious, delightful, lovely. my tattoo glowed in its absolute rightness.

had some cocktails with some good friends at rudolphs. nice conversation, nice introductions. and it ended with a surprise appearance: jt on the 1’s and 2’s playing my favorite mj song.

ended in slumber safe at home.

i planned for a lot of these simple pleasures. yet i was fortunate enough to be at a point in my life where i’m flexible enough to do what it takes to complete some of these small goals, while being open to letting go of the things that just didn’t work out. nothing i wouldn’t have done any other day… but the combination of experiences added up to a delightful 33!


fantastic mistake

i just remembered that the first time i saw the book “me talk pretty one day” i snatched it up, excitedly thinking i was about to read flowers for algernon. imagine my pleasant surprise!

Lola to the max!

this weekend i somehow morphed into lola to the max.

i finally got the tattoo i’ve been talking about for years. jill gave me the awesome asymmetrical haircut of my dreams. my look has been the recipient of a labor of love! more than small, seemingly superficial changes… it feels like the end of one phase and the beginning of another. not a clean break but a symbol of this time in my life.


at some point, i think every woman, individually, needs to make a decision to stand up straight, push her shoulders back, and ever so subtly strut, saying in her mind, “this is my body and i won’t apologize for it.”


i feel like i’m learning something about confidence. i think it’s such an attractive quality. not arrogance or anything false but just being comfortable with who you are and not making consessions for it.

specifically i’m thinking of an old pattern about obsessing about how other people must see me. it’s been nice to, in the moment when i head in that direction, to stop myself and just focus on what i want, how i want this moment to be, and forget about my assumptions about the assumptions of others. it’s nice. it’s new. i love this stage of learning where you’re just becoming aware and you can appreciate it.