who wants to marry a fat girl?

or, the new tv show, more to love. i had it on in the background as i was balancing my checkbook with my statement. so i heard some things but had my back to the television and it was all mixed in with a swirl of numbers and calculations anyway. but i did sit down to watch the last 15 mins, the elimination. it was super depressing.

some women just shifted uncomfortably, some you could see panic on the verge of madness rising in their eyes. some were obviously going to burst into tears. i don’t watch a ton of television, and i’m not familiar with nearly any of the dating reality shows, the last one i followed was flava of love season one. and that was a lot of comedy and over the top ridiculousness. i guess there are some serious ones out there and this appears to be one of them.

i reiterate that i wasn’t carefully watching this, but some of the statements women made got me really sad and disturbed. a couple of them said in all honesty that they felt that this show, a reality dating show, was their last chance at happiness. many of them said they already had strong feelings for this guy that was looking for a wife among the 20 participants. and the ones that weren’t chosen were crushed, most cried.

i understand this is entertainment, but the uncomfortable feelings were real. these women are basically systematically devalued for their size, and who knows what the internal issues are that have brought them to this size, but to have this beacon in the dark, this chubby chaser, means the world to them, it’s a totally new concept to have the chance to have a man who will see them for who they are. and they cling to it like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. it is so sad to me. because now that they’ve found this hope, they’re going to have to figure out whether they really know what’s underneathe to be loved.

weight is a shield. having lost quite a bit of weight myself, twice, i can say that when you get out from under it you feel like you can finally be yourself. but who is that self? it’s not immediately clear. self is what you think about yourself, how you feel, how you interact with other people, with the world. and self requires quite a bit of intimacy to be defined. i don’t really trust that many people are very intimate with themselves, and they jump into being [physically or emotionally] close with other people, but it’s not the same. i think you can be with someone and be close to them and never be honestly intimate. i know i have a hard time with that.

i’m thinking a lot about intimacy today. i hope i have the courage to sit with it.

realization – nothing new

my mother will never be the one i’ve been dreaming of, hoping for. she is what she is and i need to appreciate what is relevant to me (because it is wonderful and special and unique) and let go of the rest. all of it. now.

things i did on my birthday

woke up and straigtened up to the sounds of stevie wonder

hooped to reckoner but gave up before the end because i wasn’t as into it as i wanted to be

danced to my favorite mj song

cooked myself a delicious and healthy breakfast

biked to work but listened to my ipod for the first time while riding now that i’ve returned to riding. i used to listen to music while biking all the time. mgmt was a fantastic return to that freedom, and i shaved 10 mins off my ride with the music and the tuned up bike!

had a good attitude at work for the first time in a long time. even flirted with some sweet elderly things over the phone 🙂

ate a delicious and healthy homemade soup for lunch – curry soup with sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts, topped with fresh basil… mmmm…

biked home through my fatigue and felt good about it

took a relaxing bath

put on my party dress after a rushed attempt at getting ready for dinner. hated it and changed my mind and that’s ok. sometimes comfort and utility prevails!

had a very nice dinner with fantastic service with some beautiful ladies

went skating. arrived during jt’s spiritual experience with r kelly, followed by the birthday song that was dedicated to me: mj “u rock my world.” they tried to request my jam, “butterflies.” unfortunately we were too late and it had already played. consolation prizes worked for me. i skated the whole time and it was glorious, delightful, lovely. my tattoo glowed in its absolute rightness.

had some cocktails with some good friends at rudolphs. nice conversation, nice introductions. and it ended with a surprise appearance: jt on the 1’s and 2’s playing my favorite mj song.

ended in slumber safe at home.

i planned for a lot of these simple pleasures. yet i was fortunate enough to be at a point in my life where i’m flexible enough to do what it takes to complete some of these small goals, while being open to letting go of the things that just didn’t work out. nothing i wouldn’t have done any other day… but the combination of experiences added up to a delightful 33!

yes.

fantastic mistake

i just remembered that the first time i saw the book “me talk pretty one day” i snatched it up, excitedly thinking i was about to read flowers for algernon. imagine my pleasant surprise!

Lola to the max!

this weekend i somehow morphed into lola to the max.

i finally got the tattoo i’ve been talking about for years. jill gave me the awesome asymmetrical haircut of my dreams. my look has been the recipient of a labor of love! more than small, seemingly superficial changes… it feels like the end of one phase and the beginning of another. not a clean break but a symbol of this time in my life.

feminine

at some point, i think every woman, individually, needs to make a decision to stand up straight, push her shoulders back, and ever so subtly strut, saying in her mind, “this is my body and i won’t apologize for it.”

confidence

i feel like i’m learning something about confidence. i think it’s such an attractive quality. not arrogance or anything false but just being comfortable with who you are and not making consessions for it.

specifically i’m thinking of an old pattern about obsessing about how other people must see me. it’s been nice to, in the moment when i head in that direction, to stop myself and just focus on what i want, how i want this moment to be, and forget about my assumptions about the assumptions of others. it’s nice. it’s new. i love this stage of learning where you’re just becoming aware and you can appreciate it.

fragile

i feel very fragile right now. like i’m teetering on an edge.

i feel like… i hope… that i’m coming out the tail end of a really awful set of life circumstance. maybe awful isn’t the most accurate, but definitely very challenging.

there have been personal growing pains. my ongoing life aspiration has been to be more myself. self-actualized. i’m so glad someone said that to me in general conversation the other night. my opinion is coming to be that one is never self-actualized. that self is a fluid journey. even if you make it to a goal for a specific aspect of yourself, if you’re a person who is constantly striving to get somewhere, you won’t reach the end. it’s a good thing. i think that some people appear to be content where they are, and i admire that. i think there are people who set goals and reach them. then what do you do? i think that type of person will never be finished with their lives and themselves. i’m that kind of person.

the specific challenge for this part of my life has been to come from within. i’m a recovering people pleaser. and i think that was a learned behavior, a training i unwillingly participated in coming up. in the nature vs nurture scheme i think that i’m a lot more opinionated, strong-willed, impulsive, and passionate than was acceptable in my house. so i learned to squash that, to please and serve others to keep the peace. in breaking that down, i am becoming more of myself and coming more from myself. but it’s painful because suddenly i don’t know if i’m doing this right. if i’m living life right. when you live to please it’s easy to know whether you’ve done good or bad. when you live for yourself and you’re not used to it, happiness, pride, sadness and loss get all mixed up and it’s hard to make the call on how it feels. i don’t know how to judge my relational interactions. this is a time of experimentation, finding new personal values. it’s uncomfortable sometimes. and i feel a little lost.

then there’s just the outside circumstance. in the past month…

i’ve been demoted. for the people pleasing girl who obeys the rules and is beloved by all… what an experience. the thing is that i’m not sorry for the things i said. i was demoted for my private thoughts that suddenly became public. i won’t apologize for my sense of humor and my stress relief tactics, but i can accept and apologize for my choice to use company email for it. it’s just a very strange thing to be judged in your professional setting for your personal life. though in the grand scheme this is for the best and work doesn’t stress me out near as much as it did, that’s a hard pill to swallow. and it pushed me a little harder to accept the negative parts of myself. people are whole, people are neither and both.

my grandfather passed. for the array of conflicting feelings, see “so long, harry.”

michael jackson passed. fuck. what can i say about this that hasn’t already been said? he was part of my childhood, part of my whole life, a sacred person for me. i have cried at least once every day since. people can say what they want, i loved him deeply and identified with him even when i was repelled by some of his choices and some of the phases of his music. but he was my sweet little man and he gave me comfort in knowing you could be a freakish person and be talented and affect many peoples’ lives in a positive way. what a life! and it’s debilitatingly shocking to me that it’s over – he can do no more harm to his image, and no more good for the world. wow. God bless him.

there have been other bigger and smaller things that have me reflecting on life. i’m old enough now that i’m seeing people’s life cycles come to an end. i see that the world owes nobody anything and that things are unpredictable. i believe in the order of the universe, i believe that everything happens for a reason. i don’t believe in an alternate reality, another way things could’ve been. i just find myself very quiet and somber in times of great challenge and difficult circumstance. it’s hard to make sense of things. it’s hard to decide whether to look ahead with hope or with a sense of doom.

so i’m feeling fragile, teetering on the edge. but i know that i have to step forward in faith, get back to the healthy routines of my life that will move me forward out of stagnation. because though sometimes i think i can feel all the complicated sadness in the world, like it or not i’m resilient. i will always get back on the path.

whore

this is a new thought, i reserve the right to ammend. i’m changing my mind about whore/slut/whatevs. i don’t think there’s anything innately wrong with a woman who loves sexual experiences and varied partners if she is single and safe, and preferrably discreet.

however, i think a real whore is a woman who is only doing it to please. participating in acts solely for his pleasure. demeaning herself for his ejaculation.

i feel like i’m walking a fine line here as what is demeaning to me might be perfectly acceptable to someone else. but i maintain… don’t be a whore, get your needs met, and don’t walk away feeling like a receptical. grody.