phoenix

for maybe a year or more (?) i have occasionally internalized this phrase:

a phoenix rising from the ashes

my background, my childhood, my mistakes, my experiences. one day i thought of that phrase and thought it was a great descriptor for me. through runs of bad luck, circumstance, i always rise back up, i always get back on the path. eventually.

last month sometime i changed my facebook status to something like, “i’ve realized i’m addicted to being a phoenix rising from the ashes. but at some point one has to stop crashing and burning and instead realize how high she can fly.”

what this means to me is that i have a thinking pattern that goes from downward spiral, to total collapse, to rediscovering self and strength, to achievement, to overachievement, to burnout, to self indulgence, to overindulgence, to self doubt, to self loathing, to downward spiral… and repeat.

what had given me the most self-confidence and pride at the end was to be that phoenix rising. coming up out of the darkness to be magnificent. as happens with some patterns, it started to get crazy and warped. as i came to subconsciously recognize the pattern, i began to push the crash and burn so i could get back to phoenix. a quick fix for that push was alcohol for many years. that’s a story for another time. but at the time that i verbalized that addiction to being a phoenix,i knew things were going to change.

yesterday i realized a change. i had been getting into a funk after a really positive period. i saw small behaviors that were leading toward the self indulgence and downward spiral. something in me made me return to postive reading, to committing more to positive changes, and to self-expression. i didn’t hit the bottom this time, i just pivoted, changed direction, and continued forward. small steps toward new patterns.

goodnight, phoenix.

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Dreaming backwards

Lately I’m dreaming about people from my past. I run into then randomly, realizing it’s the present day, feeling like I have to change myself and adjust to letting them back in my life. Last night it was my ex boyfriend. I knew we were broken up but he was being lovey and acting like nothing changed. I was caught up in that feeling of togetherness and wondering what kind of sacrifices I would need to make it work. But I did realize it was done. I consistently dream about an old friend and get that same sacrificial sense, scheming to make it work. I think in both cases I really miss pieces of the relationship and know there’s no going back. It strikes me everyone how quick I am in the dream to sacrifice what I’ve learned.

In waking life I know better.