The end of August means…

… that tomorrow will be September and the year is imminent.  My aunt died on September 22, 2012.  Five weeks later, my Grama died, too.  It’s getting rough again.  I’m feeling exhausted all the time, distracted, my concentration is shot.  Sometimes.  I’m still productive for the most part.  But then there are the flashbacks.  I keep thinking of little things I haven’t thought of since last year.  The seasons, the heat, the end of summer events… all are triggers that shoot memories to the surface of the sad dreading, the unknown, the watching and waiting. 

I remember rubbing my aunt’s feet and legs, swollen so full and tight that it looked like they could crack open from the bloating.  I remember medications, so many medications to organize and provide.  I remember waiting while her swirly, medicated mind tried to make sense, tried to manage, tried to order these endless medications.  She was smart and stubborn and determined not to overmedicate, but her mind wasn’t clear.  So patience was required. 

I remember her alarm.  It’s that alarm on the iPhone that sounds like a 4 alarm fire disaster, I don’t know how else to describe it.  Every once in a while I hear a neighbor in my building with it, and I’m brought right back into bolting up out of unrestful sleep in my cousin’s room… time for meds

It was a year ago this weekend that I moved in part time with my aunt.  To take care of her presumably until she died at home like she wanted.  It only lasted for 2 weeks, til she couldn’t take it anymore, til she got too weak and shuffly like an old woman, til she asked to go to inpatient hospice.  For peace. 

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opening

Over the summer so far, I have made some good changes, adjustments, paradigm shifts.  I’ve done a lot of internal work that has begun to show effects externally. 

I’ve been on some dates.  As I was dreading the idea of dating online again, I thought back to a time when I was pleasantly surprised by a guy I met from a dating website last spring.  I couldn’t for the life of me remember why we stopped talking – he was genuinely nice, kinda funny, interesting.  So I looked him up again and sent a message to say hi, letting him know I still had a book of his from last year.  He suggested dinner to catch up and I said yes.  It took a couple of dates for me to remember that he was super boring, funny in a way that I totally don’t think is funny, super in touch with his anxiety, and a worse hermit than me.  So I comfortably crossed him off the list. 

Then a friend set me up with a friend of hers.  An amazing guy with all his shit together who seemed genuinely interested in me.  It didn’t end up going anywhere because we could never nail down a time to get together, and honestly I want to date someone who is very excited to get to know me and makes time for it.  I deserve that and I want it.  So I’m open to the next possibility. 

I created profiles on 3 dating sites and set up a buddy system with a friend in the same boat to try to stay encouraged about online dating, but so far no luck.  It’s ok though because I’m taking these experiences as information, not as a judgment on my datability, which is what I would’ve done in the past.  I haven’t yet found the place where my pool of dating possibilities is hiding.  But I’m continuing the internal work of remaining open and focusing on building a good life while I wait and accept opportunities as I come along. 

Saying yes to a friend who offered to set me up was one of those opportunities.  Accepting all kinds of invitations are opportunities, and I’ve had fun and connected with good friends!  I’ve reached out to old friends, and spent time with family.  I’m making friends with the Buddhist girl from grief group who wants me to come to meditations and discussions with her Buddhist friends, who are “smart and socially conscious” and who might know my future husband 🙂  And one of these days I will go to one of the Meetups I’ve RSVP’d yes to.  And I’ll go to the Friday night dance class that needs more followers for Salsa Level II. 

So even though I don’t have a lot of measurable successes, I have a lot of movement and I’m acknowledging the progress I have made so far.  It’s been a good summer!  The momentum will keep me moving forward.