tonight i had to try really hard not to judge myself in an environment that made me uncomfortable.

it’s like my consciousness was split in half:  part of me was comfortable in who i am, present, enjoying things they way i wanted to enjoy them.  but another part of me took questions about why i wasn’t dancing all night too seriously, watching the kegstands and sexiest whore contest… part of me wanted to look at those things and forget who i am and ask, yeah, why can’t you just go with the flow like everyone else here?  why are you overcomplicating, overanalyzing this?   

because i’m not drinking, that’s why.

fuck.  i’m too old for this.  out at a weird bar with weird drinking contests and some of the most freakish dancing i’ve ever seen, dumb ass women playing themselves in skintight skirts that barely cover their asses being jerked around, bounced like some giant corpse baby on some guys knee on the dance floor, people wasted.  not my scene but i was making the best of it and trying to enjoy myself as best i could.

still.  it makes me sick that i would consider the fact, even for a moment, that i should be the one to change my perceptions and deal with it.

i’m glad i went, i did enjoy myself, the people watching was great!  but i’m going through a very defensive and self-protective time on accepting who i am and how i want to operate socially.  i don’t want to be judged, told how i should act, or have anyone outside of me suggest that the way i function, my moods, who i am, is outside of acceptable because i either don’t behave like everyone else, or just don’t behave how you want me to.

at one point jen leaned over and said, “this is a little intense for you, isn’t it?”  and i answered honestly, “not any one thing in particular but all of it together, yes.”  once i realized that i was overstimulated, and had had enough being surrounded by booze and the pressure of social graces, i was able to acknowledge that and send myself home.  and that felt good.  it was time.

i think another piece of this puzzle is that i’m writing an analysis of lars and the real girl.  looking at which nature and nurture factors contribute to social phobia.  it’s bringing some things up for me.  the way the whole community decided to play along with lars was so very sweet it made me cry several times.  i think that’s what the anger is about here.  i don’t want to judge myself or suggest that the way i am is abnormal when i’m trying to work out my social life without quick fixes.  questions, challenges to how i operate when i’m working it out comfortably for myself, judging my trial and error… that makes me so mad these days.

yes.  that’s what i want to say.  i’m defensive and self-protective right now and i’m not sorry.

(i’m not apologizing)

(would it sound better if i were a man?)

(you’re the one with the problem)

(why don’t you just deal with it)

you’re so bad ass, ’95 cornrows madonna.