underdone

the blog i wanna write about today is not cooked enough yet, not ready to spit it out.  but here are a few things i want to touch on:

  • fuck christmas.  fast forward.  no thanks.
  • one thing about grief is that my grief bursts don’t seem to coincide with my family’s and i hate that.  during the days when all i could do was sob uncontrollably when i got home, other people weren’t feeling it.  looks like my mom is really going through it now and i’m just not wading that deep into it.  we’re not connecting in the level of grief, the tide is off.  that sucks.
  • thanksgiving went surprisingly easy so i was optimistic about christmas.  but i’m not doing ok.  even though i’m not bawling like my mom, i’m still crying more than i have, and it’s hard, and i don’t want to do this.
  • i loathe holidays that become filled with booze and smoke.  i don’t do it anymore and it further alienates me from your experience when that’s how you celebrate.  MOM.  TIM.  PARTY GUESTS.
  • i don’t really care about other people’s problems today and i don’t care about your domestic situation when i’m spending my first christmas without them.  PATTY.
  • i feel like i’m shifting slightly backward into that other dimension where i lose my words and my connection and my caring.  back into shock.
  • i’m trying to date, and when spending time with my family and i see the way they operate, i’m reminded of why i haven’t dated for so long and why i haven’t had a good, solid relationship that was going somewhere.  my family and their social patterns terrify me.  and my obsessive thinking about it overwhelms and then bores me.

i’ll let it cook some more.

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