the lists: take 1

where do i begin?  i suppose on the friday before new years.  i joined a tradition with a couple of friends who make a list of things that happened the previous year, and a list of hopes and dreams for the coming year.  on that friday, none of us were in a very good place emotionally, and it was late.  we pulled out our lists from last year – my hopes and dreams for 2012 written in late 2011.  overall, pretty general – make new friends, eat more mindfully, enjoy my workout, date/take a lover/have a relationship, blah blah.  there were a couple of specific hopes i did accomplish – graduating and getting hired at my internship site.  that was cool.  but i was overall underwhelmed by the types of goals i  had – too vague, too lame.

anyway, once we looked at the hopes and dreams from last year, we had to write a new list of what actually happened in 2012.  i’d been dreading this moment for a while.  sitting in a little booth and perkins with two good friends, it took me a good couple minutes and a face full of tears to get my pen to write:

auntie barb died. 

grama died. 

i knew there would be something about it.  the acknowledgement of writing it on my list.  how many times have i poured my heart out on this blog about it?  yet writing it with a pen on my list made it very real.

“that happened,” i said aloud, after i finished writing and crying.

fuck…

there were other sad and happy things on the list.  some notable moments:  my tattoo, dad’s visit, retiring from distance running, good work accomplishments, and starting a gratitude blog that turned into a grief blog.  as i was looking it over, i realized that 2012 could be summarized in 4 short statements.

school and work.

caretaking.

everybody died.

everything fell apart.

earlier in the day, i had pictured a more transformative experience in getting to write the hopes and dreams for 2013.  but the energy at the table was not celebratory, and it didn’t have that melancholy but hopeful vibe i was waiting to transition into.