opening

Over the summer so far, I have made some good changes, adjustments, paradigm shifts.  I’ve done a lot of internal work that has begun to show effects externally. 

I’ve been on some dates.  As I was dreading the idea of dating online again, I thought back to a time when I was pleasantly surprised by a guy I met from a dating website last spring.  I couldn’t for the life of me remember why we stopped talking – he was genuinely nice, kinda funny, interesting.  So I looked him up again and sent a message to say hi, letting him know I still had a book of his from last year.  He suggested dinner to catch up and I said yes.  It took a couple of dates for me to remember that he was super boring, funny in a way that I totally don’t think is funny, super in touch with his anxiety, and a worse hermit than me.  So I comfortably crossed him off the list. 

Then a friend set me up with a friend of hers.  An amazing guy with all his shit together who seemed genuinely interested in me.  It didn’t end up going anywhere because we could never nail down a time to get together, and honestly I want to date someone who is very excited to get to know me and makes time for it.  I deserve that and I want it.  So I’m open to the next possibility. 

I created profiles on 3 dating sites and set up a buddy system with a friend in the same boat to try to stay encouraged about online dating, but so far no luck.  It’s ok though because I’m taking these experiences as information, not as a judgment on my datability, which is what I would’ve done in the past.  I haven’t yet found the place where my pool of dating possibilities is hiding.  But I’m continuing the internal work of remaining open and focusing on building a good life while I wait and accept opportunities as I come along. 

Saying yes to a friend who offered to set me up was one of those opportunities.  Accepting all kinds of invitations are opportunities, and I’ve had fun and connected with good friends!  I’ve reached out to old friends, and spent time with family.  I’m making friends with the Buddhist girl from grief group who wants me to come to meditations and discussions with her Buddhist friends, who are “smart and socially conscious” and who might know my future husband 🙂  And one of these days I will go to one of the Meetups I’ve RSVP’d yes to.  And I’ll go to the Friday night dance class that needs more followers for Salsa Level II. 

So even though I don’t have a lot of measurable successes, I have a lot of movement and I’m acknowledging the progress I have made so far.  It’s been a good summer!  The momentum will keep me moving forward. 

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starting over

did you watch that show, starting over? i loved that show, i was obsessed. only 3 seasons long, it was like my light in a dark tunnel time of life. free therapy on tv. network tv. awesome!

this post is not about the tv show. but when the title came to me, i had to relate it back. who knew, during those dark times in my life, my first real severe and persistent depression, working as a server at a bar and drinking all night, sleeping all day, do it again… i used to watch life coaching and transformation in the form of starting over religiously. if i woke up around 1, i could see a little bit of passions, but i was for sure up by 2 for my show. i would never have fathomed then that i would pick myself up and put in the work it took to get where i am today. now i’m the therapist and i help others transform their lives. (and sometimes it really, really works!)

i’ve been taking a hard look at where i am today. i feel like i’m waking up. i’ve been in this focused terrain of various tasks/projects/obsessions/addictions for quite a long time. i’ve been looking at my busy-ness for a while now, wanting to understand the purpose. specifically i’ve been looking at the last 3 years. 3 years ago, i was enrolled in grad school, knew someplace inside me that drinking was not working anymore, and feeling kind of dissatisfied in my friendships. at least my day-to-day friendships. i felt like i was along for the ride, stuck, compulsive, powerless.

time passed. i wrestled with drinking and social life. after a long, drawn out, dragged out fight, i let go of alcohol. i immersed myself in my studies. friends fell away. some friends were surgically removed. some friends transitioned with me, doing new things and seeing me less frequently. i still have my best friends. i’m so proud of my good friendships! i feel incredibly fortunate. but they’re not generally part of my day-to-day, hanging out life. i generally hang out by myself. which was working for a long time. i’m content and unaffected alone. but it’s not what i want anymore.

grad school took over my life and my attention and my energy for a little over 2 years. as i was finishing, my aunt got a terminal cancer diagnosis. shortly after we enrolled her in hospice, my grama’s nursing home made the recommendation that she be enrolled in hospice as well. i remember that day. my aunt and cousin came down to the nursing home to meet me and sign papers. barb was in a wheelchair, which was so strange. she was weak. but her mind was still alert. so we sat at this sterile table in this sterile lounge area and talked about hospice. that was the first time i noticed my new tic. i felt myself rhythmically tapping my leg with my fingers, compulsively, subconsciously at first. i still find myself doing it when i accidentally get deep into a disturbing memory of these times.

so the end of school was the beginning of caretaking. caretaking and waiting and wondering and terror was another darkness. but i was the strong one who took care of business and made them feel comfortable, and in my aunt’s case, empowered. i suppose the role is what kept me above water and able to move forward. there’s this sense of unreality that made me able to keep moving. shock was a protective factor even then. sure i cried, and i premourned. barb and i had lots of talks about what was coming. she cried about how sorry she was that she was leaving us. i comforted her. i sat with grama. i went through the motions and tried really hard to feel it all, and i did my best.

and caretaking led into the horrific shock of death. they died. and with all the preparation and saying what needed to be said, and in the end praying for the end of their suffering, there is no greater shock and void than when they are suddenly gone.

so i mourned. and mourning is the most incredibly lonely thing in the world. you can have loved ones around you. they remember her, too. they are feeling their own pain. but in grief it is very hard to connect, to match up your timing with someone else. to feel the same specific brand of grief at the same time as the others. so blogs became very important to me. i dealt with grief in an obsessive way. i went to work and did my job and came home and read grief blogs. and cried. and wrote grief blogs. and cried. and got angry. and went numb. and read some more. and kept crying. and was alone.

grief is never over. i believe that in my experience, connecting with it willingly, actively, assertively… helped. i allowed it. and i still allow it when it comes. sometimes i say, “not now,” and i come back to it later. i am not afraid of it. i know it will not overtake me. my will to keep living, keep growing and moving forward is strong. they gave me that.

something else was this tyler perry movie. it was a filmed stage play, set in a nursing home. my mom had it and made me take it home and watch it a few weeks ago. there was a storyline with a young woman who compulsively visited her alzheimers-stricken mother for 9-10 hours a day. madea has a little teaching moment with her at the end when they wrap all the storylines up. she tells this young girl that she is overemphasizing one part of her mother’s life. that the end is just a small part. you can remember the good times and try to let go. i’m not capturing the loveliness of it, but it helped me a lot. focusing so hard on the end of life. so i’m trying to focus more on the good times, of which there were many! and when the bad times and the end come up, that’s ok, too. but i’m trying harder to hold the good times longer.

so i find myself here, today. i’ve been thinking a lot recently about dating, getting into a relationship, having kids someday. i’ve been doing a lot of personal work on clearing out old emotional relationship baggage, and getting very clear on what i’m looking for. i had a friend in town who is thinking about this, too, and we talked about how we can be more pro-active, but also how we want to expand our social circles. i’ve been writing about that over the past couple of days, and it feels good!

for most of my life, i have been kind of pessimistic, a yes, but… kind of person. i feel like in doing these clearing exercise, in thinking about the people i love and the life i want, i finally have turned a corner on some of my self-protective focus into a more connection-oriented outlook. sometimes it’s so wonderful to be a therapist. i talk to people about their lives, and their thoughts, and their social issues and beliefs. the person that i am cannot talk to people about these things all day and not take it to heart, not self-reflect. i get to see patterns of self-protection and why people do that, and i also get to know and advise, therefore saying it out loud, affirming it: there are more kinds of people in the world than the ones you grew up with and repeated. i finally believe that to an extent that affects change.

i’m developing a vision of the kind of life i want, which includes dating and relationships, but also friends, social circles, specific kinds of people with like mindsets, communities, events, where i want to be, what kinds of things will make up my day-to-day life. i want the fullness. it’s becoming more clear in a way that makes the steps to that life light up in front of me. it’s not just going out, it’s being social, connecting and learning and making decisions. which is not necessarily an epiphany, but i’ve been closed down for a long time. in particular, the last 3 years.

so 3 years ago, i had a best day-to-day friendship with a girl who was also prone to negative focus, harsh judgments, and unhappiness. we brought out the worst in each other. we drank heavily. our social life was sometimes fun, she was impulsive and up for anything. so i also got myself into some situations i didn’t want to be in. she was boisterous, loud, engaging, demanding, charming to some, overwhelming to others. and i lived in her shadow. we understood and accepted each other in the darkest times, and at the time, to me, that meant a real friend.

3 years ago, i went with whoever invited me. weirdos glommed onto me and i wasn’t assertive enough to choose wisely who i wanted close to me. i worked in a deeply shitty job, hung out with people i didn’t really care for, and drank myself stupid on a regular basis. it felt like life was happening to me and i had no control.

3 years ago, i dated a few times a year. the year before i had broken up with my last boyfriend for boring me to tears. i wasn’t too incredibly picky because i had never really examined what i wanted. or for that matter who i was. so i’ve had dating spurts, but knew without a doubt that i would rather be alone than be with someone with whom i had to compromise what i liked about myself and my lifestyle.

3 years is a long time to learn and reflect and change. i don’t think i’ve ever been more clear, proud, in-tuned, and accepting of myself. i’m ready. and i’m grateful! i’m coming out of a point of view that saw myself as weird and problematic, defective that i could spend this much time alone and not have a lot of people in my life. but today i’m thankful. because now it’s time to rebuild from a place of clarity. i’m not 36 and stuck with a relationship and social circle that i fell into without thought and intention. i am far from powerless about the type of relationships that will color my life from this point forward. i am here, today, knowing and accepting myself, thoughtful and clear about what kind of life i want, and able to begin to rebuild from here.

i’m starting over.

Dating reflections

As I’ve started to date a little more this year I have come to a couple of conclusions:
It’s not that hard, not that special to find connections having to do with basic compatibility.
In being a bit vulnerable I practice accepting myself.
A big problem in my past was the fear that men would see my “damage” and run screaming. But it’s really about choosing more carefully who I open up to and when.
It follows that rationing disclosure over time is acceptable and powerful.
Keeping the qualities in mind that I’m looking for puts the right type of man in my field of vision.
The right type of man is just that : a type. There are many individuals within that type. (Hence my first conclusion.)
I used to think it would be so simple and easy when I found a man that would truly accept me and be a nice person – I thought those would be the parameters.
I was aiming a bit low due to past relationship/sex damage. I created some stereotypes about how men are. Now that I’m living in reality and meeting nice, good guys, what else am I looking for?
It’s ok to take my time.
It’s ok to explore physical attraction without too soon sex.
A kiss is not a contract.
It’s ok to not know where this is going or if I’m even sure yet if I wanna keep going.
I’m still thinking this through but as of now I don’t think I believe in trying to grow attraction and chemistry. You can grow many things in a relationship but I recognize spark right away and if it’s not there within the first meeting it’s not realistic for me to wish and wait on it. When attraction is absent it becomes a sore spot, a resentment for me. I have to be real about that.
That being said, real strong attraction scares me. That power dynamic makes me feel inferior and insecure. I need to work on that, or at least think more about it.

That’s enough for now. 🙂

so i got asked out on a date…

it’s been a long time 🙂  worthy of a little reflection.  it was at the front and i noticed him long before he came up, good style but not dancing.  he came up to talk about how crazy amazing tif was with her freedom as a dancer (agreed) and he kept saying i should go dance with her.  he came back a little later for more small talk and then asked if i was married, had kids, had a boyfriend, blah blah blah.  then he asked if i would like to go out and have dinner or a movie or something and i said sure.  we exchanged numbers.

that’s the sterile story.  what i’m more interested in figuring out is my reaction.  because it was garbled.  what i notice about myself (and as i’m typing i realize that this is specific to being approached while dancing or anywhere not conducive to a real conversation or connection) is that i’m a little abrasive, keep my distance, stay a little withdrawn.  at first this bothered me as an old pattern hanging on.  but really, out in a club, and most of the people have been drinking?  yes, that’s a cautious connection for me.  perceptions are altered and lean toward the amorous when you’ve been drinking (don’t i know it!) and trying to connect with someone when it’s loud and it’s all appearances, yes.  my guard is up.  and now that i talk it out, i’m ok with that.

however, there is some extra standoffishness that i want to work on.  it seems like we did have some things in common, and i will definitely go on this date.  but the auto thoughts that come up read scripts like, “exactly what is it that you like about me?  what’s with the compliments about being down to earth, impressive, you seem like a good person… what is all that?  what are you assuming just because i’m being quiet, not giving you much information, listening to you talk?  are you one of those people that just wants someone to listen to them talk?”  it goes on further, but i find that i’m very suspicious of men who approach me and get really excited about it.  they don’t even know me, why are they assuming they’ve found the holy grail?  i think too much, i know it.

tif also got him to start to dance but then he closed in the circle.  i don’t like to dance in a circle.  doesn’t my whole energy scream out, “dance next to me, i said NEXT to me!!”??  isn’t that obvious?  then if i feel like it i can begin to interact with you.  after a while, and after a run of songs i couldn’t dance to in the wastoid zombie mob scene of the front, a good song came on and i wanted to dance.  he came up and tried to lead me out to the dance floor and i told him i wanted to dance by myself and shook him off, and then he said that’s ok i’ll just watch you, and i said don’t watch me.  (i had been waiting all night to dance, i couldn’t forsake it for awkward couple dancing business – see dance 2:  reflections...)

i might have some control issues, i’m not really sure.  🙂

anyhoo, i must not have been too flippant because he did text the next day.  i’m feeling overall good about my general openness and my willingness to sort out which are old patterns that i need to adjust (mild hostility and suspicion about approaching men who make assumptions about what kind of person i am based on short interactions) or ones that are actually serving me (holding club/bar connections at arms length until the light of day).   for me, sorting these micro interactions and my own automatic reactions out is such a good thing.  my brain can be a dangerous place!