searching for grief

today sucked.  so many things have been going on lately.  one of my goals for this weekend is to do some serious blogging 🙂  i’ll be playing catch up, i’ll continue the saga of the lists… but for tonight, just this.

during the first few weeks after the deaths of my aunt and grama, i got obsessive about reading and writing about grief.  i engaged fully, i dove in head first to connect with my grief.  lately, i’ve intentionally taken time off from that.  i think i engaged so fully so that i would be able to put it aside for intervals and move on with life.  so now i read the blogs that i follow, but i don’t search for grief anymore.  except sometimes.  and tonight i happened upon a couple of things.

there’s a woman who has been blogging about her dying daughter for over a year.  as i was browsing grief for the first time in a few weeks, i happened upon the notice she posted that her daughter died today. i looked back over her blog, and saw she posted a lot of pictures over the past couple of weeks along with detailed slice-of-life narratives.  it brought me right back to my aunt.  i hated those moments, that whole phase of waiting to die time.  yet, i’m still so drawn to it.  i can’t pass up a story of someone else talking about it.  i don’t search for it often anymore.  but i’ve been aware of this woman’s story for several months, and i’ve always wondered, when is it gonna happen to her?  the haunting.

then i found another woman’s blog who is working through feelings about her mother’s alzheimers.  and i think back to my grama.  you know, right now i try, and it’s mostly natural, to think of them in good times.  smiles, laughter, i try to put aside the dying process, the end.  but sometimes i can’t.  i’ve been reminded a lot lately about that terrible phase, the feeling of knowing it’s iminent, but not knowing how or when… and so resigning myself, steeling myself to accept the present and keep moving.  i accepted some shitty shit with grama.  i sat across from her knowing she didn’t know who i was.  before that, i sat with her and saw her struggle to remember my name.  and i pretended that that was fine.  i’m your favorite person, i’m your loyal granddaughter… but you know… that’s fine.  and before that, when she remembered me… coming to visit on her last birthday, only to have her lean over to me twice and confide that she had plans to kill herself.  and i pretended that was normal, too.  to protect her.

but who protected me?

i think that’s as much as i want to get into tonight.  today was a bad day.  traumas and triggers and activation.  i’m connecting the dots.