i couldn’t put her down. i woke up this morning and prepared for it. the vet called me back with an appointment time. i called my mom to make sure sugar was still alive and how the night went. and something about the way she was talking, i just knew it wasn’t gonna happen.
my mom takes a passive stance on death, she refuses to make the big decisions. but if you listen you can hear her point. it became clear to me that what she wanted was to take care of sugar until it’s her time. masked in “it’s up to you”s and ideas about how maybe God will take them at the right time… but this, combined with how peaceful sugar is… i just couldn’t do it.
she is weak, she is tired. she can’t move very much, but she still sashays her tail around when you talk. she responds to noise. she doesn’t appear agitated or labored. her breathing is slow and deep. all her life she has been anxious and tense when you hold her, but now she just lays comfortably. and she lets you know when a position change is in order.
maybe it’s these vegan documentaries i’m watching, thinking about peaceful cohabitation with animals, and the cruelty that they sometimes see. it’s definitely that she looks peaceful. and it’s for sure about bearing witness to the experience of watching my aunt and Grama die. i know now that if someone is going to die, they will die in their own time. sometimes it’s about coming to terms with life, or death, or spirituality, or relationships. i don’t know. ever mysterious. i understand the humane aspect of putting an animal down that is suffering. i’ve done it before. but she appears so peaceful that i just don’t think i can interrupt her dying process.
is that weird?
i’m a different person now. death demands my attention, my patience, my respect.
so take your time, sugs.