still

today we bury my grama’s ashes.  i still don’t know how i feel.  there’s no coming to terms right now.  there’s only riding the waves of grief back and forth.  sometimes i get up and move and return to life.  sometimes there’s the other feeling.

you know how i like to find the right words for everything… this one stumps me.  the best i can do is say that when i look inside sometimes, i feel like i’ve backed off into into another dimension where it’s absolutely quiet, all my words have been stolen, and i just sit.  compact.  and stare sideways.  with furrowed brows.  that’s the visual i have.  that’s all i got.

i’m reading all these grief blogs.  it’s hard to believe, and very comforting, to find that there are others out here who have experienced multiple deaths of loved ones in a short period of time.  why does it happen?

it’s like the only way to move forward is to set them aside for short periods to do work, drive, connect.  but then it catches up again.  where is my family?  we were fine.  how did this happen?  where did they go?

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5 thoughts on “still

  1. I think you are describing this process so truly. It’s so up and down, can be so sporadic, at least that is what I am experiencing in my own process. I can only say that it does get better. I am finding now that with my father, who passed in July, who was the rock of my life, well, I feel him with me so much these days, in little moments, encouraging me, it’s so true what a friend said to me just after he passed and I was so bereft, she said, but he has never been so close as he is right now, you just have to get used to experiencing him differently. I’m starting to see what she was getting at. I hope that hearing this might give you just a bit of comfort at the moment. A bite sized amount, maybe 🙂 Sending good thoughts to you.

  2. My grandmother died at 79 in a car accident on Oct 30th, 2012. Her 80th birthday would have been today. My loss of her was my inspiration for my entry titled “Gone.” Losing her really opened my eyes once again to the realization that our life is not guaranteed. It could end at any moment. So taking the time to revel in the small joys of life is a must.

    A woman at her service said that she has a hole in her heart and is waiting for it to be filled with memories of my grandmother. That was very comforting to me.

    • our grandmothers died on the same day. i liked your post a lot, especially the way you describe the mystery about whether they’re around, what’s coincidence and what might be them. we really never know. thanks for reading, and peace to you. 🙂

  3. I am so glad I found your blog. Or that you found mine. I am connecting to everything you’ve written, and bawling. I wish I had dragged myself out of my cave a bit sooner. I’ve been avoiding so much. The lack of words. You’re helping me find them.

    • i’m so glad you’re connecting, i was very moved by your blog as well. welcome back! writing can be painful but it’s also very healing. we’ve got to get it out. thanks for the kind words.

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