i have been a hot, tangly mess for a while now.  and that’s how it’s gonna have to be.  i’m accepting it and will sit with it until it’s ready to subside. 

that said, i thought about a lot of the wrong things at Grama’s funeral.  who showed, who didn’t, plans, appropriateness.  for some reason, i was really hung up on whether people would come, and i attached love and respect for my grama’s memory on who was actually going to show up.  i was hugely disappointed to see that no one from our home church growing up came.  none.  a couple of cards with checks in the mail but not a body.  i was so angry.  the weird thing was, in my mind it felt like a a popularity contest.  a very primal, junior high, what if no one comes to her party? feeling.  And it did start off small but people filled in.  I’m still working on why that mattered to me.  The ugliness of it bothers me. 

the service went well.  there was a time for sharing memories, and that’s what i wanted to talk about.  more people than i imagined stood up to say something about her.  and the common theme that brought many people to tears was the way my grama showed unconditional love, warmth, kindness, and enthusiasm for everyone.  and i do mean everyone.  person after person commented on that quality, and had a personal example.  it was absolutely lovely. 

i knew her well, and i knew that she was not a saint, everybody has some darkness.  but i have a resurgence of awe in my special lady:  to leave a legacy of unconditional love that deeply touches others is an amazing gift.  it also goes to show how incredibly basic and essential is that need for each of us to feel loved and accepted. 

thanks, Grama. 

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