does not compute

today it’s been about keeping it in a nice little box tucked away in the recesses of my mind while i go about the other things i need to do.  yes.  this is me having a normal life.  the problem with that is that at any time if i’ve neglected my guard, this ridiculous chain of thoughts can pop up…  where the fuck is barb?  where did she go?  she was right here.  she was sick and thin and weak but she was right over there.  did she really just lay down a couple weeks ago and die?  and what in the world does that even mean?  is this ever going to make sense?  will there be a day when it sounds normal that all of this really just happened over the course of 4 months?  earlier this year there was nothing wrong.  what the hell just happened? 

2 thoughts on “does not compute

  1. I’ve just been catching up on your blog.

    I completely get what you mean, when you’re raw the virtual world is a nice soft cushion compared to the BS of the real world.

    A fast death is very odd, it’s like your mind really needs the time to catch up. My mother passed quite quickly and I would have the same chain of thought: dog food on sale, call mom and tell her, wait- mom is sick so I should buy it for her, wait- mom is dead.

    And every time when you get to the end of the chain of thought the shock feels new.

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