for the past few days i’ve been absolutely fixated on a bag of oreos. i bought some off brand the other day and i ate up those delicous crunchy stale bites of sandwich cookie deliciousness. the past couple of days i’ve been more emotional and nervous about everything that’s happening. and so i’ve been fixated on a bag of oreos.
i texted laura to see if i could have them. and ice cream. my dad made me buy chocolate ice cream a couple of weeks ago and it was delicious – i haven’t eaten straight up chocolate ice cream in years. long story short there was a whole lot of banter back and forth with her offering a lesser evil combination or quantity of treats, with me countering with something larger and more decadent. something was stopping me from actually going out to get any oreos. eventually i ate a bowl of cereal and took a nap. triumph is mine!
today on the way home from work i thought i needed those oreos again. i mean just going into deep visualizations about crunching them. i somehow made it home without them. in the back of my mind i know that a bag of oreos is not going to save my life. i came in and fed the cats and gave some love. as i was walking around the house i realized, i don’t need to eat my feelings. i’m sad. my aunt is dying and i’m sure my period will be here any day. it’s ok to just be sad. then i started to tear up. i need to remember that when i have these super strong urges that there’s something underneath that i’m not trying to feel.
as i sat down to write this, i remembered that my uncle rick, my aunt’s husband… before he died, all he would eat were golden oreos.