i don’t have to run

no, this is not a blog about being RETIRED from distance running 🙂

so i have this quality where i am determined to learn something.  having my dad here, there were many things that i thought i was going to learn from him.  there are many things i have learned so far, but what i want to write about today is a small/huge revelation i just had:  i don’t have to run away.

i’m totally pro at running away.  been doing it forever.  if a situation gets hard, if i’m bored, if there’s no clear solution, if a relationship starts to irritate me or become not what i want anymore – i’m out.  no clear explanation, i’m just done.  and i’m gone.

living with my dad is hard on me.  and i notice about myself that i’m bratty and bitter and rough and defiant when things get hard on me.  we had a talk the other day about how things are going and it was uncomfortable to be sure, but i stayed with it.  i committed to myself to say what i needed to say, to put my feelings, needs, and wants on the table.  i gave information that i felt was important for him to be able to understand who i am.  i sat through the conversation.  it doesn’t feel finished.  but at least it feels like we’re acknowledging what’s going on and committing to working on it and getting to know each other better.

it’s hard for me to learn that this will not be a magically complete relationship.  i will still feel the loss of not having my dad in my life as i was growing up.  i still don’t think he really knows who i am, and i know that i don’t know who he really is.  we are getting to know a little bit about each other and that’s all i can expect for now.  i really wanted him to be a solution for me.  and i think in the past the way i presented that was to project all this excitement, happiness, and good feelings that i felt were expected of me.  i’m not doing that now.  i’m showing up when that’s all i can do.  i’m not running away just because i don’t see the resolution.  and that’s big for me.  it gives me hope for my capabilities in future relationships.

One thought on “i don’t have to run

  1. Dear BSL,
    You should also be proud that you are brave enough to face the fact that you are a runner. Runners mostly will run from that fact too. 🙂 BTW, most people are runners including me. I think it has to do with all those Snow White fairy tales we grew up with. We are all waiting for that “Happily Ever After,” that moment when the fight stops and you get to put up your feet and bask in your glory. That is why most people run, they are looking for the perfect part, waiting for the easy part. But as you have just discovered, there is no easy. There is a lull during which time we all wish time would stop or the world would just let us off, but it does not.

    I have gone through some serious hells recently and though the bad gets conquered eventually there is always something else on the other side. You just get stronger. You learn to ride the current of life. You stop expecting that everything will go your way all the time. You take the bad with grace and if you are really lucky, you learn from it.

    My husband has a theory that I hate, but which is probably correct. It is that the world must be balanced. If somewhere something is given, somewhere something is taken. So, now I think I can’t get all good all the time because that would mean some poor person is having bad all the time. So, I take my knocks and know it’ll be my turn for some good soon enough. Good Luck and be happy when you can be.

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