no, this is not a blog about being RETIRED from distance running 🙂
so i have this quality where i am determined to learn something. having my dad here, there were many things that i thought i was going to learn from him. there are many things i have learned so far, but what i want to write about today is a small/huge revelation i just had: i don’t have to run away.
i’m totally pro at running away. been doing it forever. if a situation gets hard, if i’m bored, if there’s no clear solution, if a relationship starts to irritate me or become not what i want anymore – i’m out. no clear explanation, i’m just done. and i’m gone.
living with my dad is hard on me. and i notice about myself that i’m bratty and bitter and rough and defiant when things get hard on me. we had a talk the other day about how things are going and it was uncomfortable to be sure, but i stayed with it. i committed to myself to say what i needed to say, to put my feelings, needs, and wants on the table. i gave information that i felt was important for him to be able to understand who i am. i sat through the conversation. it doesn’t feel finished. but at least it feels like we’re acknowledging what’s going on and committing to working on it and getting to know each other better.
it’s hard for me to learn that this will not be a magically complete relationship. i will still feel the loss of not having my dad in my life as i was growing up. i still don’t think he really knows who i am, and i know that i don’t know who he really is. we are getting to know a little bit about each other and that’s all i can expect for now. i really wanted him to be a solution for me. and i think in the past the way i presented that was to project all this excitement, happiness, and good feelings that i felt were expected of me. i’m not doing that now. i’m showing up when that’s all i can do. i’m not running away just because i don’t see the resolution. and that’s big for me. it gives me hope for my capabilities in future relationships.