it was a phrase i used in the blog about being almost done with school. i’m feeling the stress seep out of me and beginning to get a glimpse of what i want life to be now. i had no idea how palpable that stress was, how much space it took up and for how long. it’s not like i spent every waking moment studying, that’s not how i operate. i avoid my work until the last minute and get off on the crunch time, but i’m still never relaxed while i’m avoiding because i’m always aware of what i’m avoiding. THAT’S how i roll.
but now class is done and i’ll be going down in work hours (but getting paid more – yesssssssssssss!) and i can feel it already. i felt it starting last week. i’ve done some socializing and visiting family. it’s actually really nice. it’s strange to have this extra space, room for wanting to go out.
like tonight. i went to see grama. she was sleepy, so i left. i was gonna go home but i had the idea that i could stop by my mom’s house instead. i weighed it, wasn’t sure if i really wanted to get into how this could turn out, but i figured, why not? so i went, and stayed for hours, and had a nice visit. it was great!
what i noticed was that i wasn’t measuring and doling out time in increments while i was there. for the past few years i have been concerned about everything else and looked at social time as how much (how little) i could spare. saying yes to a planned event, much less something spur of the moment, always needed to be carefully considered and allotted only so much time. and it wasn’t that enjoyable because i always was thinking about what else i should be doing, even if i had no intention of doing it.
this may seem silly, but to me it’s a revelation and i’m so thankful for it. relaxing enough to enjoy socializing and just visiting, stopping by… what a treat!