i have a school requirement to participate in both individual and group didactic. it turns out didactic roughly means therapy. i did my individual didactic last summer and it was a positive experience. this weekend i’m doing group didactic. 3 days of it: last night, all day today, and all day tomorrow.
i was the first one to cry. not all that surprising.
timing is everything, right? so evidently this is the time to explore my hypervigilance around social safety, the way i lock people out of my experience, my fear of being exposed in front of people who are apathetic or flippant about my experience. in addition i’ve been deep into going through research for my master’s project which is on mixed race identity development. they are all so tightly wound together in me, outside of me, my work and my personal life. so this is the time to reflect on it. now. this weekend.
even as a therapist it’s so amazing the shit that comes out of my mouth. you would think that i would be so aware and able to articulate, but able to hide what i want to hide because i know how it’s done. but how i am, how i interact socially, it’s everything, it’s so transparent!
so. i’m doing this. i’m scared as hell to share my experience (my fears, my outlook, my problems) with this group of white women therapists, but isn’t this the experience of most people of color in therapy? being open will help them and will help me – personally and professionally, all around. time to gather up my courage like i’ve done so many times before. it’s just more interesting this time because i’m being courageous about discussing the boundaries that i never respected before. good God this is complex.