a happy valentines

tuesday was a really nice day.  i didn’t know how i would feel.  i didn’t know what i would do.  i think i decided that i feel pressure to feel bad or anxious when i don’t have a valentine, but really i don’t care that much, but something still makes me feel like i need to fill up the day with consolations.  i woke up in the morning with the only thing set in stone being that i had to see a client, then get to work at 11:30 and would be done a few short hours later.  i’ve been kind of overwhelmingly busy lately so it was just another day except with a bunch of free time to be filled with catching up on responsibilities.  or maybe something else?  yes.  something else.

after work i decided to go visit grama.  i brought my scissors, some mousse and rollers thinking i would give her a nice cut and set (sometimes i like to pretend i can do hair – it turns out i’m really not bad!).  it’s been more bitter than sweet seeing grama these past few months.  my attitude got really bad.  she can’t hear me at all anymore and not being able to really talk to her is very depressing to me.  and then theres the guilt seeing her day-to-day life in the nursing home, it’s just hard.  i had pretty much given up on communication and become sad, agitated, and frustrated being around her the past couple of times.  on valentines day i went in with a better attitude and she was in good spirits.  instead of giving up, i did what i could – got close to her and nodded or shook my head for communications and just spent time.  she wanted that haircut so bad, and it was fun to do it for her!  i don’t really know anything about mousse, i don’t use it, but i did my best with styling and she was happy.  we went for a little walk and she was willing to let me go when it was time to move on.

then i went to my mom’s.  i was super behind on the family visits.  i run myself in circles with work and school and internship and tell myself i have no time for my family.  but it felt so good!  i got to hang out with my sister and her new boyfriend for a while.  i like him!  he’s nice and complimentary, admires his parents, has had his share of pain and injury.  my overriding feeling was, he fits here.  and that’s nice for my sister.  frankly i’m happy she’s dating a real live flesh and blood boy in her zip code, and not some dude she met in a computer game and is dating long distance.  good stuff.

after that i decided to stop at my new favorite coffee shop, the nicollet.  i read that they had some kind of swing dance that i couldn’t imagine.  i went down and it was 2 guys (guitar and upright bass) playing old jazz standards, while middle aged couples danced in rotating partnerships looking like they didn’t know each other very well.  but i liked it!  i like the atmosphere and the volume there, and i had a nice cup of spiced hibiscus tea.  i alternately read and watched the dancing and eavesdropped.  i tried to do this without judgement.  it’s hard for me not to judge sometimes, especially with awkward dancing.  but i did my best.

earlier in the day when i was trying to figure out what i wanted from the day, i thought to myself, “if i don’t have someone right now, i at least want to watch people enjoying their day of celebrating love and squishy feelings.”  like, i didn’t want to be the bitter waitress working dinner cursing happy couples, i didn’t want to stay home and watch a movie, i didn’t want spend the whole day with my face in a book.  consumerism, exploitation of love =bad, yeah i got that.  i’m just saying, there’s something a little lovely and sweet about it, and i wanted to catch that feeling.  i think i got what i was looking for.

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2 thoughts on “a happy valentines

  1. right on lady,
    it takes real courage to acknowledge the present without resentment. you didn’t ignore that you have all these uncomfortable feelings by pretending you didn’t care, which given the choice, is what many people do.
    way to be a badass!!

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