last night i had one of those thoughtful evenings at the skating rink. this can be good or bad. when it’s bad, i get too stuck in my head, i get self-conscious and too stiff to enjoy myself. when it’s good, i’m relaxed and i can extract some little pearl of wisdom from my quiet observations. there’s research i’m sure, but there’s something meditative about physical activity that inspires good thinking. if you have to work something out in your mind, try moving your body with it.
last night was an overall good thoughtful skate, but it had all the trappings of going bad. i started thinking about different insecurities and then i got that nasty feeling that it was going to overtake me, like a wave. but then i remembered that my life does not happen to me, i’m in control of my life – i’m in control of my brain! so i took in some deep breaths along to the beat of the music and just focused on that for a while. that eased me through. i allowed my thoughts to come, and just listened calmly. what do you have to say? old stuff. old tapes. nonsense that i still allow to hurt me when i’m not careful. usually i panic prematurely when this stuff comes up because i believe it and then i react to it and i get self-conscious and scared and it was all just leftovers in my head in the first place. it’s allowed to float around in there, but it’s not allowed to ruin my night. i can’t isolate myself because of shame over old tapes! stupid social phobia features.
and then the pearl: i need to have more fun with others, find some new playmates (sidebar: this was bothering me on the rink, too – isn’t there another word for playmates that doesn’t have a centerfold connotation? i think that’s my word, but i don’t want that stink on it!), connect with old ones. be more playful with others. it’s the antidote to taking myself too seriously and getting caught up in old stuff. don’t get me wrong, i have a good time in my own head, it’s a looooooooot of fun in here! but that has to permeate outward. organically. easily. yes!
so i’m thankful that i’ve learned to be inside my body well enough to see the cues when they come on, and that i’ve learned skills to calm myself down before it goes into thoughtful skate gone bad.