it’s been a long time 🙂 worthy of a little reflection. it was at the front and i noticed him long before he came up, good style but not dancing. he came up to talk about how crazy amazing tif was with her freedom as a dancer (agreed) and he kept saying i should go dance with her. he came back a little later for more small talk and then asked if i was married, had kids, had a boyfriend, blah blah blah. then he asked if i would like to go out and have dinner or a movie or something and i said sure. we exchanged numbers.
that’s the sterile story. what i’m more interested in figuring out is my reaction. because it was garbled. what i notice about myself (and as i’m typing i realize that this is specific to being approached while dancing or anywhere not conducive to a real conversation or connection) is that i’m a little abrasive, keep my distance, stay a little withdrawn. at first this bothered me as an old pattern hanging on. but really, out in a club, and most of the people have been drinking? yes, that’s a cautious connection for me. perceptions are altered and lean toward the amorous when you’ve been drinking (don’t i know it!) and trying to connect with someone when it’s loud and it’s all appearances, yes. my guard is up. and now that i talk it out, i’m ok with that.
however, there is some extra standoffishness that i want to work on. it seems like we did have some things in common, and i will definitely go on this date. but the auto thoughts that come up read scripts like, “exactly what is it that you like about me? what’s with the compliments about being down to earth, impressive, you seem like a good person… what is all that? what are you assuming just because i’m being quiet, not giving you much information, listening to you talk? are you one of those people that just wants someone to listen to them talk?” it goes on further, but i find that i’m very suspicious of men who approach me and get really excited about it. they don’t even know me, why are they assuming they’ve found the holy grail? i think too much, i know it.
tif also got him to start to dance but then he closed in the circle. i don’t like to dance in a circle. doesn’t my whole energy scream out, “dance next to me, i said NEXT to me!!”?? isn’t that obvious? then if i feel like it i can begin to interact with you. after a while, and after a run of songs i couldn’t dance to in the wastoid zombie mob scene of the front, a good song came on and i wanted to dance. he came up and tried to lead me out to the dance floor and i told him i wanted to dance by myself and shook him off, and then he said that’s ok i’ll just watch you, and i said don’t watch me. (i had been waiting all night to dance, i couldn’t forsake it for awkward couple dancing business – see dance 2: reflections...)
i might have some control issues, i’m not really sure. 🙂
anyhoo, i must not have been too flippant because he did text the next day. i’m feeling overall good about my general openness and my willingness to sort out which are old patterns that i need to adjust (mild hostility and suspicion about approaching men who make assumptions about what kind of person i am based on short interactions) or ones that are actually serving me (holding club/bar connections at arms length until the light of day). for me, sorting these micro interactions and my own automatic reactions out is such a good thing. my brain can be a dangerous place!