i haven’t tried to articulate it yet but my heart is so full with this new idea. actually, my last post – the horoscope – is really what it’s all about. i’m the queen of the warning of that horoscope… beginning to do the work and then just quitting. but what happens when you keep pushing, trucking, trying? i’m finding out.
it’s like i’m in the best and worst points of my life. a crossroads. i’m seeing what i need to do to move forward, but subconsciously so frightened that i’m making old familiar mistakes. but i continue to try, even through the mistakes.
the concrete example right now is sports. laura’s dad took us through some kickball drills last week – catching a pop-up, throwing underhand, fielding, kicking, pitching, running the bases. it was… in a word… amazing. i’ve always had this underlying feeling, this suspicion that i would be good at sports… but i was too embarrassed/self-conscious/scared to try my best. what a funny feeling. what a funny way to live. but i surprised laura with my ability when i actually did my best. even more, i surprised myself and confirmed my own suspicions.
then there was yesterday. the quest for the golden shuttlecock. i had dreams of playing high school badminton but i let my insecurities stop me from even looking into the south high team. since age 13 or so, i’ve only played once – last year’s competition. our team lost the double elimination rather quickly. this year the mixed doubles teams were chosen by random drawing. by fate, i got paired up with one of the most skilled and competitive partners in the tourney. oh travis. my girl’s ex and my worst nightmare of competition. when i found out i was scared shitless, thinking i was going to let him down, thinking i might be assaulted for my lack of skill. but i remembered my passing thought from earlier: what if i were paired up with someone good? what if i had a chance at winning? i moved through the fear and thought to myself, why not just try my best and see what happens? i could be a champion!
i made choices that allowed me to focus and do my best.
out of many teams, we got second place… undefeated throughout the tourney except for the first place winners. and we beat them earlier in the tourney. and it was don, last year’s winner, and virtually a pro-badminton girl player. amazing! and let me tell you… i was not carried… i held my own.
so why not translate this skill into all areas of life? lola do your best. see what happens. i’ll let you know how that goes!