i feel very fragile right now. like i’m teetering on an edge.
i feel like… i hope… that i’m coming out the tail end of a really awful set of life circumstance. maybe awful isn’t the most accurate, but definitely very challenging.
there have been personal growing pains. my ongoing life aspiration has been to be more myself. self-actualized. i’m so glad someone said that to me in general conversation the other night. my opinion is coming to be that one is never self-actualized. that self is a fluid journey. even if you make it to a goal for a specific aspect of yourself, if you’re a person who is constantly striving to get somewhere, you won’t reach the end. it’s a good thing. i think that some people appear to be content where they are, and i admire that. i think there are people who set goals and reach them. then what do you do? i think that type of person will never be finished with their lives and themselves. i’m that kind of person.
the specific challenge for this part of my life has been to come from within. i’m a recovering people pleaser. and i think that was a learned behavior, a training i unwillingly participated in coming up. in the nature vs nurture scheme i think that i’m a lot more opinionated, strong-willed, impulsive, and passionate than was acceptable in my house. so i learned to squash that, to please and serve others to keep the peace. in breaking that down, i am becoming more of myself and coming more from myself. but it’s painful because suddenly i don’t know if i’m doing this right. if i’m living life right. when you live to please it’s easy to know whether you’ve done good or bad. when you live for yourself and you’re not used to it, happiness, pride, sadness and loss get all mixed up and it’s hard to make the call on how it feels. i don’t know how to judge my relational interactions. this is a time of experimentation, finding new personal values. it’s uncomfortable sometimes. and i feel a little lost.
then there’s just the outside circumstance. in the past month…
i’ve been demoted. for the people pleasing girl who obeys the rules and is beloved by all… what an experience. the thing is that i’m not sorry for the things i said. i was demoted for my private thoughts that suddenly became public. i won’t apologize for my sense of humor and my stress relief tactics, but i can accept and apologize for my choice to use company email for it. it’s just a very strange thing to be judged in your professional setting for your personal life. though in the grand scheme this is for the best and work doesn’t stress me out near as much as it did, that’s a hard pill to swallow. and it pushed me a little harder to accept the negative parts of myself. people are whole, people are neither and both.
my grandfather passed. for the array of conflicting feelings, see “so long, harry.”
michael jackson passed. fuck. what can i say about this that hasn’t already been said? he was part of my childhood, part of my whole life, a sacred person for me. i have cried at least once every day since. people can say what they want, i loved him deeply and identified with him even when i was repelled by some of his choices and some of the phases of his music. but he was my sweet little man and he gave me comfort in knowing you could be a freakish person and be talented and affect many peoples’ lives in a positive way. what a life! and it’s debilitatingly shocking to me that it’s over – he can do no more harm to his image, and no more good for the world. wow. God bless him.
there have been other bigger and smaller things that have me reflecting on life. i’m old enough now that i’m seeing people’s life cycles come to an end. i see that the world owes nobody anything and that things are unpredictable. i believe in the order of the universe, i believe that everything happens for a reason. i don’t believe in an alternate reality, another way things could’ve been. i just find myself very quiet and somber in times of great challenge and difficult circumstance. it’s hard to make sense of things. it’s hard to decide whether to look ahead with hope or with a sense of doom.
so i’m feeling fragile, teetering on the edge. but i know that i have to step forward in faith, get back to the healthy routines of my life that will move me forward out of stagnation. because though sometimes i think i can feel all the complicated sadness in the world, like it or not i’m resilient. i will always get back on the path.