sometimes a series of events, an ill-timed comment, or a conversation completely unrelated to me throws me into an intense, memory of a feeling so strong and it makes me wonder…
will i ever get over it? will this keep coming back again and again?
this is not one thing in particular. this is vague because i have a feeling everyone has these things. but there are certain painful memories, identities, relationships that leave a scar. you can heal the wound a little bit, or maybe a lot, at a time. but that unrelated event, comment, conversation can break it open fresh. and it stings. sometimes cripples.
it used to make me feel like… i used to feel like when the icky feelings came back, that’s what was real, like i had been living a fakey happy life but that i would always come back to this pain and despair, that this was the reality.
now i’m beginning to wonder if the real answer is who cares? i read, “do you find yourself or create yourself?” i read about someone wondering about faith and free will and meaning. sometimes i rally against that idea of who cares? who cares about the past? i do, because it’s important to acknowledge the past and learn from it about who i am! then again, maybe it’s not so brash and abrasive, this who cares. maybe it’s refreshing.
not sure yet.