there was a change in plans for the time i had to be ready, so i turned the music back on and started to make some lunch. i was scrolling down to stevie wonder, but mary j. blige caught my attention. the album mary circa maybe 2000? i neeeeeded to hear all that i can say.

i guess i haven’t pulled this one out in a while. it brought me directly back to another time when i lived in an apartment just down blaisdell from where i live today. i was seeing this guy benny from rudolphs. i had had a crush on him for 6 months and finally he asked me to go out. on a walk around lake of the isles he confessed his feelings for me. it was a huge dilemma at the time. i was heavily involved in church and was super into the idea of serious, intentional dating. i felt like dating benny would be cheating God’s plan for me or something. it made total sense at the time but seems so far away now. i did date benny. and back when i listened to this album getting ready to meet jen and marissa to go dance salsa at first ave, i would get very emotional, a faraway look in my eyes i’m sure, and revel in these new feelings. i think benny was the first boy i ever loved. but the love seems so strange now. i didn’t know that guy.

it’s amazing how a person changes and grows. i love thinking back on that innocence, the dilemmas i faced, how i thought i knew who i was. i’m thankful for the clarity as i get older, the sinking more fully into my skin.

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